Why We Try: A Solo Woman’s Quest for Motherhood and a Lifelong Dream Fulfilled
Hope against the odds for women +40
Instagram: solofertility40s
You’ve probably heard it all:
The statistics aren’t in your favour.
The success rates drop dramatically after 40.
Improving egg quality is ‘impossible’.
It’s a huge emotional and physical strain. You won’t cope.
It’s too expensive - a financial burden to bear alone.
Doctors present the numbers, and they don’t sugar-coat them.
(Unless they're my first Spanish doctor who unhelpfully set me up for a hard fall by describing my stats as “above average”. False optimism is a tough master.)
Society often reminds you that time isn’t on your side. The ticking clock. The “geriatric” mothers. The language is degrading. And the system, designed for couples, doesn’t always acknowledge your courage in doing this alone.
And yet, despite everything, you try.
Not because you’re blind to the challenges. Not because you’re clinging to false optimism.
But because real hope is about something deeper.
Hope Beyond Statistics
Hope, in this path to motherhood, is not about ignoring reality. It’s not a naïve belief that everything will work out just because you want it badly enough.
Instead, it’s a fierce, unwavering belief in:
Your right to try – Regardless of what the numbers say, you deserve the chance to pursue motherhood.
Your body’s potential – Even if doctors focus on probabilities, every woman is unique. Some defy the odds. Just check out posts in this Facebook group for women aged 43-46: there are both IVF and naturally conceived births.
Your ability to nurture life – Whether through pregnancy, donor eggs, or surrogacy, you are capable of bringing a child into the world and giving them unconditional love.
Your strength to face the unknown – This road is uncertain, but so is every meaningful path in life.
Perspective on Hope - Anonymous contributor
“Hope is super important. When we go into a cycle thinking we have already lost, it creates a feeling of helplessness which is never helpful during IVF. Hope gives us the strength to take the risks, to make the lifestyle changes and to progress a journey that otherwise seems impossible. I believe hope keeps us strong and keeps us open minded and focused.”
The Weight of the Journey
Trying to conceive through IVF - especially solo - comes with immense burdens. But with the right preparation, all of this can be navigated safely.
Emotional Toll
The two-week wait after an embryo transfer feels like an eternity.
The heartbreak of failed cycles can be crushing.
The loneliness of making these decisions alone can be overwhelming.
Financial Pressure
IVF is expensive. American women may have generous insurance plans. But many of us don't.
Every round of medication, every scan, every retrieval feels like a gamble.
The cost of donor sperm adds another layer of expense.
Physical Demands
Hormone injections can leave you exhausted and moody. My second IVF cycle (the Meriofert disaster) took me two months to recover from. In addition to fatigue, I was riddled with acne, and lost hair at the front of my scalp.
Egg retrieval is invasive, sometimes painful. I had lower abdomen cramps for a month following the second retrieval.
Pregnancy itself (if it happens) is physically demanding at any age.
Yet, despite it all, you press on.
Because hope isn’t just about believing in the outcome. It’s about believing in yourself—your ability to handle whatever comes next.
A Different Kind of Motherhood
For solo women, motherhood is a deeply personal, intentional choice.
There is no partner to share the responsibility, no built-in support system. And yet, this kind of motherhood is powerful in its own right. You make the decisions – from fertility treatments to birth plans, you are in control.
That's fine by me.
And you build your own village. Mine has already started to take shape. Friends fallen away who were never going to truly support. New friends since appeared.
You fully own your journey – one I'm pursuing with tunnel vision. It is not an accident or a compromise. It is a deliberate, courageous pursuit of the life I want.
The Power of Trying
Hope in this context isn’t about pretending the road will be easy.
It’s about recognising that even if things don’t go as planned, trying was worth it. If you conceive, you’ve created the life you’ve always dreamed of. If you don’t, you’ll know you did everything possible—without regrets.
If you find alternative paths to motherhood (donor eggs, adoption, surrogacy), you’ve embraced different forms of hope.
Because ultimately, hope isn’t about certainty. It’s about the willingness to show up, to fight for what matters, and to trust that whatever happens, you are strong enough to handle it.
And that is why you try.
Perspective on Hope - Anonymous contributor
“As a woman in her forties who became a mother via donor eggs after a long and painful struggle, hope is something I have had a complicated relationship with over the years.
I come back continually to Emily Dickinson's poem 'Hope' and the line: 'Hope is the thing with feathers' in my thinking; hope is something organic, growing, changing and living within you always. Hope may alter but its power doesn't lessen.”
I write about hope at Intended Mother on Substack - I'd love to see you there.
Related reading: The unlock that helped me say yes to solo motherhood
FREE: Resources page on Solo Fertility 40s with my favourite webinars, articles, forums and podcasts. I’m adding to this all the time so keep checking back.
FREE: 10 Important Questions for Your Fertility Consultation
Sarah x
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TRUTH: “It’s about recognising that even if things don’t go as planned, trying was worth it. If you conceive, you’ve created the life you’ve always dreamed of. If you don’t, you’ll know you did everything possible—without regrets.”