The Worst IVF Advice? It Usually Comes From Women Who’ve Never Done IVF
Enough with the toxic narratives, insulting messages, and unqualified opinions we’re all sick of hearing.
I didn’t broadcast my IVF journey when I started. But among the handful I mentioned it to, there were unhelpful comments. Or a complete lack of interest, despite my excitement for their marriages and births. I’ve since received more spiky comments, or heard more in general discourse, about women choosing fertility treatment. Let’s dig into this.
Instagram: solofertility40s
Ive heard so many opinions. I bet you have too.
Opinions typically from women who aren't solo, have never done IVF and potentially aren't even of a similar age.
It's strange how forthcoming opinions can be from these people about the highly emotive topic of (in)fertility, despite their lack of lived experience.
Their comments are often delivered in a finger-pointy, judgemental tone with no whiff of empathy, and a sprinkling of unhelpful “shoulds”.
Typically these opinion-sprayers have no clue about the energy required to fly to other countries alone, have fragile pieces of you removed; of the cost, and the tiredness from the hormones; and the mental health that gets hammered with each failed cycle.
It saddens me because, as if the IVF process isn't already tough enough, you realise your general environment includes individuals with an arrogance that permissions them to weigh in on topics they've no experience of.
As if I’d be dropping by Usain Bolt to give him a few pointers on getting off the blocks faster - because I’ve watched athletics on the tele.
Or giving Delia Smith (a famous and much loved British cook) some tips on getting that golden crunch on the Sunday roast chicken (and I'm veggie) - because last year I watched a friend prepare one.
Far from supporting women going through one of the toughest experiences they might ever face, we are instead bombarded by poorly thought through suggestions from armchair commentators.
So as well as navigating an already complex journey, you also need to dodge the emotional landmines - their unsolicited opinions.
Here's some of the most common toxic narratives you've probably had to endure. Or if you're just getting started, brace yourself.
It helps to call them out because they can slide so casually into everyday chat that it's easy to be blind to them.
You need to do all your own research.
In theory, yes - informed patients make better decisions. But in practice? Too many doctors don’t share the full picture unless you ask the right (highly specific) questions.
And yet: this burden of self-education is placed entirely on the patient, despite paying thousands per cycle.
Actually, doctors have a duty of care to inform you about the risks and challenges of every aspect of your treatment.
But this doesn't always happen.
For example, during my first IVF cycle, my doctor selected the Day 5 package with PGT-A. He never informed me of the risks and kept parroting a “let's be optimistic” message. So it came as a total shock when all three of my embryos were deemed to be aneuploid. And then even more of a shock that Spain doesn't allow you to transfer aneuploids. This vital information was not shared with me upfront.
You shouldn't have to become a medical researcher to access decent care. And yet - here we are.
You need to consume as much fertility literature as possible - blogs, books, podcasts.
Not all fertility content is built for solo women +40.
There's a good reason why I avoid most fertility blogs and podcasts: so few are relevant to me. Or worse, they're triggering.
I started this Substack because I was tired of webinars filled with women moaning about their partners, or 31-year-olds fretting about whether to freeze eggs. It left me feeling like an outlier.
Solo Fertility 40s is a corner of the internet where solo women over 40 can gather, and benefit from age-appropriate content. Hopefully delivered in an accessible, empathic vibe.
Finally, I also have this thing called a day-job, and a life, and responsibilities. I don't want to spend every waking minute reading about other women’s fertility struggles.
If you're having failed cycles, or something is unexplained, its your fault for not doing enough research.
The fertility space is swimming in misinformation. Which is exactly why real insight comes from experience - not opinion.
Lazy doctors mean aspects of your care, and potential issues, are not flagged. Clinics may rush you into treatment without doing many upfront tests.
In fact, there is no such thing as unexplained infertility - only unexplored. And exploring you as an individual should not be the product of winning a proactive, engaged doctor in the Fertility Doctor Tombola.
You've left it a bit late, haven't you?
This isn’t helpful - it’s hindsight laced with blame. Most women already know fertility changes with age. But they’ve also been busy studying, surviving, caregiving, working, healing, or simply not meeting the right person.
Life is not a spreadsheet. Telling women they should have done it sooner just adds shame to an already brutal process.
In truth, there is no late. There is only the time that is right for the woman in question.
“Just” forget your own eggs. You're past it.
Embryo donation, using an egg donor (or adoption) are indeed paths to family building.
And they're paths that any woman above 40 are likely very aware of.
But that doesn’t mean they’re easy, accessible, or emotionally interchangeable. You don’t get to skip over the emotional labour of egg loss, or the legal and psychological weight of adoption. These are not quick fixes. They are entirely different roads - not plan B.
For many women, trying with our own eggs is not about stubbornness. It’s about doing everything we can before accepting that door might close.
There are a portion of women +40 who are successful with their own eggs (both naturally and conceived through IVF). So the desire to try is a logical, and highly personal one.
There's always adoption! (Typically from a woman who naturally conceived her own.)
It’s easy to suggest this when you’ve never needed IVF - or when your own children came easily.
But IVF isn’t a morality tale. It’s a medical and emotional marathon. And adoption isn’t a universal Plan B. For solo women, it’s often legally restricted, prohibitively complex, or simply not the right fit.
What’s missing in these comments is humility. Not everyone has the same path, the passport, or the privilege. So before offering glib solutions, armchair commentators might consider the full picture - and the fact that sometimes, there isn’t an easy one.
We don’t need cautionary tales. We need space, support, and the chance to try.
So to anyone itching to offer unasked-for advice about a process they've never endured - rather than making declarations, ask a question instead.
Or better yet, button it and try listening.
FREE: Resources page on Solo Fertility 40s with my favourite webinars, articles, forums and podcasts.
FREE: 10 Important Questions for Your Fertility Consultation (download)
SEND A SMOOTHIE: Each story takes me around 4 hours to write, edit, test and send. I do this alongside my day job. I’m powered by daily berry smoothies! If you find my stories useful, you are welcome to show your appreciation by gifting one.
