The First Stumbling Block: You Don't Know What You Don't Know
One cycle into my IVF journey and I've already made a ton of mistakes
How can you ask the right questions, if you don’t know what they are?
You can either DIY it and make all the mistakes yourself, or take heed from someone a bit further along, who has already made a few!
Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Sarah, 43 years old, living in the UK. I’m here to guide you in what to ask, and to know, based on my own experience of making a lot of mistakes during my first cycle in July 2024, and the crashcourse in understanding IVF that I’ve been on ever since.
Why starting out is so hard….
IVF is hard for any one person, or couple.
It gets phenomenally harder when you are solo, and in your 40s, for several reasons:
A quick Google search will give you the dire success stats for women over 40 which seems to fall off a cliff as every year passes. I found myself thinking “But I’m fit with a regular cycle, so are my odds of a live birth really that low?” It’s hard not to feel totally deflated and even overwhelmed with grief at the potential loss of motherhood.
The lack of material specific to women over 40 - and specifically, solo women. Fertility books refer to “couples” and share advice about conception during your fertile days. Some books only contain a snippet of information for older women. I have continually wondered, with immense frustration: “Am I really such an anomaly, or worse, at fault for not finding the kind of partner I’d want as the father of my child?”
The considerable emotional and financial burden that must be carried alone. Yet with this, there can be a sense of empowerment: that baby will be one thousand percent yours, and you made it happen!
The need to advocate for yourself, and make big decisions. There are plenty of clinics who sense your (very understandable) desperation - the strong emotions associated with striving for motherhood and the fear you’ve left it “too late”. And those clinics are hungry for your money.
So I’ve already made a ton of mistakes….
My first cycle was July 2024 and I went into the process totally blind.
I had a delusional level of trust in my doctor and clinic. There were many right red flags right from the outset -flags I didn’t realise I should pay close attention to.
But you don’t know what you don’t know.
I didn’t do much research. I blindly went for the package selected by my clinic, that includes PGT-A (a genetic test). I had no idea that ‘abnormal’ embryos would be discarded (the policy in Spain). And no idea what even constituted abnormal, or the likelihood of this outcome, as a 43 year old woman.
At that time, I had a vague awareness of fertility social media channels. My favourites are below.
As you can see, none is specific to solo women over 40.
Women +40 Infertility Support Group
A little background about my situation
In April 2024 I got the results no woman wants to hear: “your AMH is very low”.
I panicked.
As a knee jerk reaction, I quickly contacted the same fertility clinic who treated my friend, paid 120 euros for a consultation and tried not to panic even more.
The consultation was okay, in the sense that it happened, and I wasn’t advised to make any diet or lifestyle changes. I felt uneasy, but couldn’t pinpoint why, so I ignored it and carried on with the process.
About a month later, I found myself sending several thousand pounds to a clinic in Spain, despite various admin fails that had already caused considerable unnecessary stress.
I had no idea that I was now part of a greasy industry that will play fast and loose with your wallet, and your dreams. I had joined the fertility roulette table, without learning the rules.
The fertility industry generates eye-watering sums, far more than I had realised. In 2023, it was valued at US$34·7 billion and is projected to grow to $62·8 billion in just 10 years.
That’s my money right there, and yours, making some people very rich.
Ignorant of the rules, and what questions to ask, my first clinic was a bad choice.
While the medical skill of the doctor and embryologist was pretty good, given the three day six blastocysts that were grown, the lack of patient care and poor service caused incredible stress and trauma.
It was a costly £10K mistake, that gave me emotional scars rather than a baby.
I’ve since hired a fertility counsellor (found through the BICA website), a nutritionist, and an acupuncturist.
Those scars could have been avoided, which is why I’m now looking to support women with fertility education and guidance.
Not as a counsellor, but as a fellow IVF roulette player, who has learned some of the rules - and still has plenty more to discover.
The solo path to motherhood can be a tough one, fraught with unexpected challenges, but better upfront guidance would make the start of the journey far smoother.
On this channel, my aim is to support you to:
1. Know what to ask
The same basic questions apply to every woman starting out, agreeing your protocol and any expensive add-ons, and making the best choices for you, such as whether to opt for PGTA (genetic testing of embryos).
2. Avoid costly mistakes
At this age, the IVF stakes are so much higher. Clinics will offer you expensive add-on testing. Choosing them can be tempting. They might be the right decision for you. They might not be.
3. Avoid traumatic experiences
How do you want to be supported as a solo woman, especially if you’re undergoing medical treatment abroad?
Ask a clinic upfront:
What experience they have treating solo women?
If you will have a point of contact on the day of your operation to assist you?
In what ways you can expect to be assisted throughout the process?
These basic questions may save a lot of heartache later on.
4. Feel empowered along the IVF journey
With a clear view of your needs, as a solo woman, you can feel more assured about making the right choices.
Selecting a doctor, and a clinic, can feel much like dating! As well as the medical expertise, the ‘chemistry’ needs to feel right. Asking the right questions and connecting via a video call is the most thorough ‘homework’ you can do - else meeting in person if the clinic is accessible for you.
And if something feels ‘off’, there is no obligation to move forward. Don’t pay the deposit, or thousands of pounds, if you’re not feeling totally confident. (I’ve an upcoming story on red flags to watch out for.)
Don’t DIY your IVF journey
While so much of the IVF process can feel beyond your control - this is also plenty that you can take charge of.
Asking the right questions upfront - specific to solo women over 40 - will increase your chance of selecting the right clinic for you, and receiving a treatment protocol that you are comfortable with.
At any point in your journey, you should be able to ask your doctor “why” - for example, if they want you to follow a high stimulation protocol that you feel nervous about.
At any point in the journey, you can do your own research, and advocate for yourself. It’s your money and your body. Collaborate with your doctor and establish early on that you ‘want to know’. You can play a more active role in what is often a process in which you feel hopelessly passive.
At any point in the journey, it is ok to seek clarification or raise concerns with your doctor or point of contact. Your body, your dreams and your wallet. Don’t let them be gambled away by medical staff or clinics delivering anything less than quality patient care.
I hope I can encourage you to plan now, to maximise success later - while being treated like a human, not a statistic with a tasty bank account.
Send your queries to:
Instagram: solofertility40s