Finding Your Tribe: One Of The Biggest Problems Experienced By Solo Women +40 When Starting IVF
Your tribe can lead you to relevant resources
We thrive in tribe.
But what becomes quickly apparent when you start exploring the incredibly complex world of IVF is the complete lack of guidance targeted at solo women AND solo women over 40.
I either found one, or the other - but not both, until I eventually found this Facebook group: IVF/IUI: Single women +40
Is a tribe necessary?
For some women, no. They tell me they’re fine doing the research on their own and have enough support from family and friends.
But for me, it was a different story.
I shared my intentions with a couple of close friends - both of whom have since vanished. Another close friend’s only remark was “wow, bet that costs a bit….!”
So when I began my first IVF cycle in July, I felt really alone.
Plus I became increasingly frustrated at the podcasts or webinars I joined, talking about conceiving in your 40s or preparing for IVF with your partner, discussing the partner’s sperm, or foods to eat to boost sperm motility.
All irrelevant for me.
Then at every turn, social media channels bombard you with all the tests and tools claiming to get you a baby if I just bought [insert product name]. The financial pressure grew, and I feared I wouldn’t be able to afford to pursue this solo path to motherhood.
Alone and uninformed, paralysed by my low AMH result, I panicked.
Despite the many red flags from the outset with a clinic in Spain, I transferred a lump of precious cash from my savings account. Big mistake.
Things went from bad to worse, and I realised I should have listened to my intuition. Had I been surrounded by more women in my position, perhaps I would have chosen better.
Where is my tribe?
Surely pursuing motherhood as a solo woman over 40 (I’m 43) was not unheard of?
A quick poll of +40 friends identified three (now nearing 50) who had tried IVF in their early 40s. (Sadly, one IVF cycle didn’t work out for them.)
I have several solo friends in their 40s, all incredibly strong successful women - and all of whom have not found a Prince Charming so deserving of them.
So I know I’m not alone.
I don’t mind being a minority. But because I couldn’t find my tribe easily, it also made it hard to find the content relevant to me, I had to piece together bits of information from all over the internet, or from conversations in forums.
At the start of my IVF journey, I wanted:
Content that spoke to me and my situation as a solo woman
A guide on how to get started with IVF - selecting a clinic, doctor and medical approach best suited to my situation
Questions to ask prospective clinics (and red flags to watch out for)
A supportive network of solo women who might be experiencing the same struggles, eg with egg quality, or financing multiple rounds of IVF
But none of this was easy to find.
So welcome to my channel - for women +40 undertaking IVF solo. Leave your email here to receive all my stories straight to your inbox.
The highs and lows of the IVF journey
Where the only real high is a live pregnancy, it’s wise to prepare yourself for the lows.
Because IVF can feel like drama world rejection, on speed.
The repeated failures or setbacks are hard - and even harder if you end up with a doctor short on empathy, and a clinic who cannot handle basic admin, causing you endless unnecessary stress.
Read the +40 Facebook forums and you’ll see that IVF does work for some women in this age group, even on the first try. I hope you’re one of those lucky women.
But this mantra really does become a realistic one to be guided by:
“Expect the worst, hope for the best.”
When the disappointments and struggles feel overwhelming - the lack of content specific to solo women +40 can really start to hurt.
Those podcasts, webinars and books created for couples, and when to try to conceive, and how to boost your IVF success such as sperm quality - when you’re already feeling fragile, this content not relevant to me made the journey feel even harder.
Resources for solo women +40
Here are my favourite resources.
No need for Prince Charming podcast series
IVF Answers - Becoming a solo mum: choices and challenges
IVF Answers - Emotional aspects of solo motherhood
Summary of the IVF options and process for solo women (I didn’t choose this sperm bank)
As always, message me here if you have questions:
fertility40s@gmail.com
Sarah